Audition tapes from all across the country. Thousands of submissions. Weirdos, cocky guys, bad actors trying to be charming, more cocky guys. A producer says they want someone charismatic. We’re shown a clip of an audition video with a guy who filmed himself coming out of the shower. Another producer says they want “someone man enough to take on 25 women.” Clip of a guy doing a magic trick. Automatic no. Clip of a guy saying he’s still a virgin. He says he’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s definitely out.
We see clips of the producers discussing which guys would make good candidates. Chris Harrison, our synthetic host, says he must be confident. He can’t be a guy who thinks this is “an easy way to meet a bunch of chicks,” a producer lady tells us. Okay, but with a little reality TV fame, it’ll be an easy way to meet 25 chicks once the show is over.
“I am truly blessed that women find me sexy in every capacity,” one guy says with a straight face. I think he should be the next bachelor. He’d be a blast. Alas, this show isn’t about the humor of delusional famewhores coming together to show off their lack of self-awareness. This show is about delusional famewhores who lack self-awareness, but can fake it like they’re none of these things.
They are really here because they want to find that special someone, Chris says. Truly. Honest to God. He doesn’t need to be a millionaire, but he needs to be financially stable, attractive, but most importantly, sincere. Everybody in the editing room laughs.
They finally narrowed it down to five candidates: Mark, John, Jason, Aaron and Robert.
First up is Mark, 34, US Air Force Captain. He’s from Thousand Oaks, California. Mark “grudgingly admits” he has some similarities to Tom Cruise in Top Gun,” Chris tells us. In other words, he’s cheesy as fuck.
Quick clips of him topless, swimming, riding his bike. We see him on the tarmac with a bunch of fighter jets. They are impressive. He runs his hand along the side of his plane. He was engaged once, he tells us. It didn’t work out. A co-worker nominated him to be on the show.
The producers think he’s wonderful. Smart, charismatic etc. Mark tells us his life is great and he feels complete as a person so, now is a good time to find that special someone. What he means is, he’s content being single, but it would be fun to show off on a TV show. I think his true love is his jet. If he could figure out a way to have sex with that, he’d put a ring on it in a heartbeat.
We meet bachelor candidate #2. Jason, 30. He’s a recruiter living in San Francisco, California. “I’m California’s most eligible bachelor,” he tells us. “Do you believe that?” producer lady asks off camera. “Yeah, I do,” he says with a smug smile.
We see lots of shots of him without his shirt on doing a bunch of athletic stuff while he tells us the bachelorettes need to like him for more than just his bank account. Jason talks in this choppy snappish way that makes him sound robotic or like he’s the kind of person who grinds his teeth at night from stress. I would say he’s photogenic. He has that look that was popular in the 90’s before Tyson Beckford and his cheekbones came along and blew these types out of the water. JFK Jr-esque, but smarmy.
His friend Greg nominated Jason because “he’s the quintessential bachelor.” Shots of Jason doing athletic stuff: stretching, sprints, pull-ups, pushups etc. I really think we’re being shown this guy so we can roll our eyes and laugh at him. This little montage is so over the top it’s become camp. Jason tells us he lives in a bachelor pad with a bachelor refrigerator with only beer and some pieces of fruit. He needs a woman. See what I mean? Camp.
Jason lives by three creeds he tells us. Timing is everything, actions speak louder than words and you can’t put a price on fun. Also, never express a unique thought if there is a cliche you can use instead. We cut to his audition video and he is even smarmier and cockier. He gives off a mild serial killer vibe. Think Christian Bale in American Psycho trying to be charming.
The producers dig this guy, they tell us. Well, they’re pretending they dig this guy. Jason tells us that currently he has “sexual relations” with three different women. He fake cringes. “He’s a regular Casanova,” a producer says as we cut to video of him sitting on a bed chatting with a girl. He has a serious side so don’t think of as being like a pornstar or a chick magnet, he tells us. Is this whole segment satire? I’m starting to think so.
“Jason is very very into himself. Maybe he should be,” producer lady says with a shrug. Her attitude is like, “Even if he was straight, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10-foot pole, but maybe some women will buy into his shtick.”
Jason’s “biggest fear” is would the women like him for who he is inside? I’d say no, because who you are inside is a ball of insecurity covered up with narcissism served with a side of OCD.
Jason tells us firmly he is “capable of doing it.” By “it” he means gritting his teeth and maintaining a facade of sanity until the end of the show.
Chris, our cardboard host, tells us the women are the real stars. That’s true. The bachelor guy is just the conduit. The women will bring the drama which is why I’m watching.
We see some clips from various audition tapes. One girl describes herself as the buffest woman on the block. That’s fine, but she’s wearing a choker that gives her a hippy vibe so she’s definitely out.
The show went on a nation-wide “hunt” Chris tells us to find the best women for the show. “Have you ever done any nude things? Anything we should know about?” a female producer asks one woman, “Not that it will be a problem,” she quickly adds.
The women need to be single, between the ages of 21-35, adventurous, ready for marriage, intelligent—shots of women in bikinis—and ambitious. We cut to a woman saying she’d like to be really incredibly famous. “And of course,”Chris adds, “attractive.” More shots of women in bikinis.
40 women were chosen to undergo medical examinations—shot of a woman handing in her urine sample. Was that necessary? I guess the show wants to make it clear they contestants are all STD clear. Four hours of psychological testing—well, that leaves me out. And, in depth interviews to determine “if the women want to be on the show for the “right” reason and that reason is marriage,” Chris tells us. What that really means is the producers know everybody just wants to be on TV, but can the women fake it in a way that’s not so transparent? We’re selling a fantasy here, ladies.
So, what are the candidates looking for? Several talk about looks. One woman wants a man who is kind and supportive. Reality TV is definitely the best place to find that. Wanna-be famous girl says she wants someone “more stable than I tend to be.” She’s no dummy. She’s basically saying, “If I get on the show, I will bring the drama. I will be that girl for you guys.” The producers move her to the front of the line.
Plenty of the girls really are able to sell it like they believe they can find their future husband on the show. They all know how ridiculous that is, but it’s impressive they can say it in such a way that seems genuine.
One producer asks what are their “secret weapons”? A few women show off their dance skills, but they are all awful. One woman sings. More shots of horrible dancing. I appreciate this episode is upfront about the show really being just another version of a beauty pageant instead of the “meet the man of your dreams” fairytale it presents itself as for the rest of the season.
Finally they narrowed it down to 25 women: Camille, Angela, Erin, Hayley, Gwen…
Contestant Anindita, 27, says in her culture she’s kind of like “a going-out-business-sale old maid.” Her self-deprecating humor means she’s going to be out right away. The women aren’t supposed to exhibit too much personality. They can be smart as long as they can be dumb at the same time, you know what I mean? A sense of humor is a no-no.
Suzanne says she’s not going to be blown over just because he’s the bachelor. The guy might be a dork for all she knows. Fair enough. You’re in.
Christi wants it to be a mutual pursuit. Right. Totally reasonable on a show like this. She’s delusional. She’s in.
Contestant Suzi has that short goofy haircut that was really popular in the 90’s for a bit. It’s 2002, so, it’s a layover. How on earth did this hairstyle ever become popular?
Kyla, the buff girl with the hippy choker, despite my predictions, was selected. She says she might be the one to walk away with the bachelor at the end.
Heather says she wants “the big rock” on her finger. She’s all smiles and dimples with her southern accent, but you can tell she’d stab you in your sleep if you cross her.
We meet the 3rd bachelor. His name is Robert, 36 from New York. He’s a financial something something. I didn’t catch it. He was nominated by his mom and three different women in his life. He has a upstate New York accent that can be a bit harsh to the ear if you’re not used to it.
We see a picture of a fat baby Robert that I admit is a very adorable picture. Teenage Robert looks nerdy and harmless. Prom pic of Robert looking less dorky. He works a lot he tells us. I’m not interested enough to do a rewind and see what he actually does for a living, but he sounds very busy. It’s involves all the things I’d hate to do for a living. Finance, marketing, strategizing for something something.
Robert is likable, but you can tell he lacks the necessary presence to star in a fantasy romance reality show. He comes across as an actually decent person. I don’t see how that’s possible if you are applying to be on The Bachelor in the first place but, maybe.
We see a shot of him going for a run and you can tell that is not what he normally does for fitness. His hands kind of flap around in a weird way as he’s running and overall he looks a bit goofy.
Chris, our computer programmed host, tells us that next we will be meeting Trista from the debut of The Bachelorette. I never watched a single season of this show and I never plan to. So, I will be skipping this part.
We meet the fourth bachelor Aaron, 28. “He is the vice-president of a string of family owned banks in the mid-west,” Chris tells us. He’s a pilot, an accomplished musician and he’s in the process of building his own restaurant. We get a shot of Aaron sawing some wood like he’s right there helping with the building, lol. Chris tells us he’s ready to get married. We cut to clips of Aaron topless making some coffee.
Aaron is from southwest Missouri. He got his Bachelor’s in Engineering. His last ditch effort to forge his own identity before deciding to ride his family’s coattails, no doubt. I sound like I’m judging, but I’m really not. I just think it’s funny he got his Bachelor’s in something that has nothing to do with finance. After college he lived in Italy for a year and then got his Master’s in Business.
The producers liked Aaron. They thought he was funny and honest with a great smile. We get a clip of him riding his speedboat. He says that if it feels right with one of the women he’s “going for it.” Aaron comes across as that corn fed wholesome type that nobody cares about in 2025. He is a product of a very different era.
We cut to Chris telling us season one had a lot of fans who watched the show. We get clips of groups of people watching, mostly just sorority girls and fraternity boys. What is the point of this filler? The show is 45 minutes long and it already feels like it’s been two hours. Some famous people— Dennis Franz, Tara Lipinski, George Lopez and Kathy Griffin—who are contractually obligated by the network to hype the show say they are big fans. Kathy Griffin is the only one I genuinely believe watched season one.
Finally we meet our fifth and final bachelor. John, 35 is a financial consultant from New Hope, Pennsylvania. New Hope is a wealthy town, very pretty. He tells us he got his degree in Accounting, but hated it so now he’s a financial consultant. Huge leap.
John tells us he knows the right woman is out there but, unfortunately, he hasn’t met her yet. He is so not believable. His friend Bernie nominated him because he’s the perfect all-around bachelor type.
John refers to the women as “pre-screened and pre-selected” so he’s sure he’ll be able to find someone. They sound like graded slabs of beef. “I’m sure I’ll be able to find the steak of my dreams.”
Bernie tells us John can sing a love song in two different languages. We cut to John singing in Italian. He’s flat and his pronunciation is terrible so maybe he shouldn’t sing at all. Just a suggestion.
John says it’s not easy being a bachelor at 35. We cut to him golfing on a beautiful day. Oh yeah, John. It looks really tough. He’s very particular he tells us, and wants to make sure he’s with absolutely the right person. But then he says he told his parents to not be surprised if he just comes home one day already married because he ran off with someone. Sounds really particular.
John says he knows what he’s going for, but he hasn’t met the one person that makes him feel like there’s nobody else. Or makes him want to give up golfing on the weekends. He thinks he’ll be a great husband and father, but he wants to make sure “she’s the right one.”
Now we have to catch up with Bachelor Alex from season one and his final pick, Amanda. I didn’t watch season one so, I’m skipping over this part, too.
So, who will it be? Mark the Air Force captain from California?
Jason, the psycho recruiter from San Francisco? Pick him! I want to see him have a meltdown when one of the women touches him without permission first.
Robert, the “international businessman” from Manhattan. See? The show has no idea what he does either.
Aaron, heir to the mid-western banking empire? Empire? That’s a bit hyperbolic.
Or John, the financial consultant from Pennsylvania.
The one they chose is from a close family, has great looks, a fun personality and a promising career. He’s full of adventure and has financial stability. In short, he’s the full package. It’s Aaron, last name Buerge.
Topless clips of Aaron. More topless clips. This show is an equal opportunity boob fest. Aaron was chosen because “he was… just a bit more in every category,” says producer lady. By that she means he didn’t give off any signs of harboring potential psychotic rage. He’s just the right about amount of dull to not get in the way of the audience projecting positive traits onto him as they watch the show.
Aaron tells us he’s been very successful for his age. I don’t judge you for joining the family business, Aaron, but let’s not pretend your success wasn’t a guarantee. He is gracious, humble, an athlete, musician and a pilot, Chris tells us. Maybe additional to his impressive credentials he’ll add an actual personality. Oh, I’m kidding. He’s a snore.
We conclude the episode with clips from the upcoming season:
A group of women rubbing suntan lotion on Aaron. Shots of boobs in bikinis. Champagne. Yachts. “I could love Aaron. I could love him right now,” a blonde woman says. Kissing, kissing. “Where are your panties? Did you leave them in the limo?” More kissing. Snippets of squabbles between the women that, in truth, don’t look that dramatic or interesting. “It hurts my feelings. It hurts my heart,” says a crying blonde woman. Sounds of snot as she sobs, “I just want to go home!”
Episode 2: The bachelor meets the bachelorettes.
Recapulet 
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