We get the intro to the show from our shiny host Chris Harrison. I never pay attention to what he says, because he never says anything you don’t already know. We see lots of clips of Aaron doing his well-practiced cheesy smile that I’m already sick of. We see some shots of him French kissing some of the women. We see some more shots from future episodes.
Chris tells us the premise of The Bachelor, but we knoooowwww so, let’s start the show. But he has to drone on and on about the show, the bachelor, the bachelorettes… Omigod, he’s still talking.
Finally. Oh no! More exposition! Chris tells us about Aaron. He grew up in Missouri. He lives in Missouri, but he’s no country bumpkin. Oh, yes, he is. Don’t lie. Chris tells us Aaron, with his car salesman smile, is a true renaissance man. He’s a business man. We see more clips of his I’ll-give-you-a-good deal smiles. An Athlete. Aaron waterskiing. A musician, Aaron playing the piano in soft focus. Pilot. Aaron flying his little plane. Restauranteur. Aaron talks to a contracter showing him what he wants for a wall. Yes, a wall. His dorky dad, who has a twangy midwestern accent, says something about Aaron I don’t care about. Aaron’s mom, who has a dorky midwestern hairstyle, says something about Aaron I don’t care about. 50% of my family is from southern Indiana. I’m allowed to judge.
Aaron is the oldest of three sons. Aaron excelled in sports. Aaron is more than a jock. I could swear we just went over this. Aaron plays the piano. Oh, sorry he’s “an accomplished classical pianist.” If you say so. Aaron is a scholar. Aaron earned his Bachelor’s in Engineering from the University of Missouri. Aaron lived in Italy for a year. Aaron got his Master’s in Business from Clemson. We see Aaron on a billboard with his dad advertising their family owned banks. Aaron is Vice-President of said family owned banks.
Aaron tells us he’s been working really hard on his career so he hasn’t had much time to put into relationships. But he’s had time to open a restaurant? “I want to share my life with somebody,” he says in a sincere tone. I believe him. I just don’t think that somebody can be found on a reality TV show. But, who knows? Aaron almost died from a ruptured spleen. That was the catalyst for him to focus on getting married and starting a family, his mom tells us. She is an attractive woman, but that haircut is atrocious.
Aaron says he has a lot of love to give and he’s ready to settle down. So why spend God knows how much time doing this dumb ass show? We already know. Everybody wanted to be on reality TV at one time. That was before people realized the producers could grate you like a carrot in the editing room.
Our Ken doll host, Chris, greets Aaron as he steps out of a very long limo. Nobody rides in limos like that anymore. It looks so dated and tacky in 2025.
Aaron and Chris sit down to start the pre-show interview. Aaron says he’s been very active with dating even though just a few minutes ago he said the opposite. He tells us for the 100th time that he is ready to share his life with someone. Chris asks, so why find her on a show like this? Aaron gives a big smile and goes into this bullshit spiel about how the women must be adventurous if they are appearing on the show. I think you mean fame hungry. But, at least they’ll have that in common. Laying on his midwestern twang, Aaron says it’s a bigger pool of women than he could ever meet in Missouri.
Chris asks Aaron his thoughts about season one’s bachelor, Alex. Aaron did not approve of him. He lied to the women telling all of them she was “the one.” Aaron believes in honesty. Alex didn’t even propose. Aaron would have liked to see him “pull the trigger.” So romantic. Chris is like, so you could really propose to someone at the end of the show? “It’s possible,” Aaron says, equivocating in a way that will be helpful for a show like this.
Twenty-five fantastic women have been chosen “with your taste in mind,” Chris tells him. How does he feel about meeting them? Aaron is pumped. Is he really ready to meet the women? Yeah, let’s do this. It’s time to finally meet the women, Chris says. But first, Chris has to tell us it’s time to meet the women. Are you ready to meet the women, Aaron? He is. Alright, let’s meet the women. Here is the first limo for the women. Omigod, this is why I stuff my face whenever I watch reality TV shows. The endless filler makes me so tense and irritable, I end up eating my feelings.
Before the first limo arrives, Chris has to tell Aaron that each woman has hopes of getting married. How do you feel, Aaron? Since he has been asked this at least 50 times since the beginning of the episode, he’s starting to look as irritated as I am. Just fucking start the show, Chris! Damn.
How about we meet these 25 women, Chris says. Alright, says Aaron. Are you ready for that? Chris asks. I think this is the whole episode. This conversation repeated over and over for the remaining thirty minutes. Aaron’s smile now looks like he’s just gritting his teeth. Poor guy.
Here comes the limo, Chris says again. For the second time he tells Aaron “the journey begins.” An actual limo drives up and Aaron and I are near tears, because the show is finally, finally going to start. Aaron cracks the first genuine smile we’ve seen since the episode began.
The limo is so stupidly long. Holy shit. It’s ridiculous. It takes the chauffeur five minutes just to walk to the car door to let out the bachelorette. Aaron is smiling, but now his face is flushed. He’s excited.
Out steps a blonde. Aaron is thrilled with this girl. For real. He’s smiling so hard he’s practically giddy. And I’m telling you, it’s real. Aww, it’s kind of sweet. This is the first time I have felt something about Aaron other than sleepy.
Bachelorette Gwen introduces herself to Aaron. We cut to her interview clip where we learn she is 31 years old. She’s given up on single’s bars, she tells us. She’s sick of the whole scene. She decided to do reality shows instead. I read online this wasn’t her first show (nor would it be her last.)
Aaron shakes her hand. She is pretty, but in a dated way. She has the kind of looks that were popular in the 80’s. Gwen tells us she wants to be the center of attention, especially of the bachelor’s attention. In other words, she wants this show to make her famous.
The next limo pulls up and another woman gets out. I don’t want to give a blurb on every bachelorette; there are too many. So, I’ll just say she’s blonde and her name is Erin.
Frances is next and she’s Asian. She’s on the show so Aaron won’t look like he’s a member of the KKK. The producers know this season is gonna be whiter than white out. Like snow blind white. Aaron is from a small town in Missouri so, this shouldn’t be a surprise.
Frances is 30. She’s a “strategic financial analyst” which is just a discrete way of saying she specializes in tax loopholes and offshore banking.
Next is Helene. She’s a brunette. Aaron compliments her smile. “Awww, thank yewww.” Helene has a hardcore Philly accent. She compliments his eyes. She tells us she was engaged, but it didn’t work out. She’s 27 and from Gloucester, New Jersey. She had to have spent her formative years in Philadelphia with that accent. She’s a school psychologist.
Next is Brooke. She’s a blonde from Alabama. Aaron compliments her accent. She looks and sounds like your typical southern belle, but she’s got a laid back vibe I like. Brooke will be receiving a rose from me tonight.
Next up is Angela. She’s blonde.
Lori is next. She’s 26 and a former NBA cheerleader. Her energy is pretty boring for a cheerleader. And that’s why she’s here. The producers stack the numbers with enough women that will be easy enough for Aaron to cut. That’s how all these competitive reality shows work. She says her smile is her secret weapon and it is very beautiful, but I’m sorry Lori. You will not be receiving a rose tonight.
Up next, Kyla. She’s blonde. She has very chunky frosty highlights. My God, I had no idea the early 2000’s were so damn tacky. That’s not how I remember it. She’s 22. From Utah, she’s a Mormon and a virgin. In other words, Aaron will be cutting her as soon as he can without appearing rude. I’ll say probably by episode three.
Next is Christi. She’s blonde. I know you’re surprised. She’s blonde? No way! She’s 23 and competed in the Miss America pageant representing Idaho. She tells us this show is similar to a beauty pageant. No kidding. Christi says her Miss America experience will help her “have a connection” with the bachelor. If you say so.
Next up is Hayley. She’s a brunette. She is tall and slim with a somewhat lanky build. She’s going home. I would guess this episode. We’ll see.
Oh no! Chris is back to ask Aaron, how’s it going? 15 more to go, Chris says. Here’s the next limo, Chris says. He leaves. Thank the Lord.
15 more women! This show is exhausting. It’s endless. It’s the forever eternal.
Next is Dana. Shes a brunette. She’s pretty, but boring. Bye Dana.
Next is Heather. She’s blonde. She tells us she knows what she wants in a guy, but the clip ends so abruptly it almost cuts her off before she finishes her sentence. Bye Heather.
Next is Anindita. She’s 27. She tells us her parents had an arranged marriage and this show is kind of like that in a way. She’s an attorney, she’s obviously smart, she’s going home. I’d say by episode two.
Suzanne is next. She has brown hair with tacky streaks of blonde. She’s 33, but she looks older. She doesn’t look old, but if she said her youngest is heading off to college in the fall I wouldn’t be surprised, you know what I mean? She’s got a Stacy’s mom has got it going on vibe. She’s wearing a choker with a flower on the side which doesn’t help. Nice figure, needs a makeover.
Amber 26, blonde.
Merilee is 26 and from New Jersey. Her accent is all Jersey. I used to talk like her, but I moved out of the state and that faded over time.
Next is Christy with a y. She’s 24 and a brunette. She tells us her goals are marriage by 26, two kids by 30. There is nothing wrong with family planning, but she sounds so determined, it’s almost grim. She probably already had a few options chained in her basement at the time of filming. You’re next, Aaron.
Next up, Heather. She’s brunette and from Texas. She is relating being on this show to her experience competing for the title of Miss Texas. Except she’s not here to win a crown, she’s here to win a gah. By that she means the gah is the crown and she’s here to compete against the other women. She has a tough undertone to her vibe. She’s strapped at all times. You can tell.
We’ve got Suzy. She’s blonde. She’s 28. She’s tall and lanky. She’s history.
Aaron is starting to look a bit tired. Okay, he looks exhausted. Filming this shit must have taken God knows how long. From dusk till dawn just standing on the curb, in the same spot, meeting the endless streams of women. A dream for some men I suppose, but can he sit down?
Here is Camille. She’s 29 and an actress. No surprise. She’s the girl who said she wanted to be super famous in the last episode. She’s cute. She giggles a lot. Aaron’s smile at her looks genuine. She says she’s tired of meeting guys who always ask her if she’s into girls and having threesomes.
It is 16 minutes into this episode. Sixteen. I can’t go on.
Erin. Big smile big teeth. She’s all shiny hair, shiny eyes, shiny teeth. Aaron looks a bit overwhelmed by her. Or, overwhelmed by her teeth.
Cari 29, blonde.
Fatima. She’s 22 and in college. She is wearing a form fitting black lace dress which fits her perfectly. It has become obvious Aaron likes tall women exclusively without a single ounce of extraneous body fat.
Here is Shannon. She’s 26 and from Long island. I like her, because she looks like my primary care doctor who is a nice lady. (Hi Jamie!)
Chris is back. Aaron, 25 beautiful women, he says. Beautiful women! he says again. What do you think, Aaron? Aaron, you have 25 beautiful bachelorettes, Chris says again. Each one hoping to become your bride, Chris reminds him in case he suffered a stroke in the last second and forgot why he was there. Chris tells him that at the end of the party he will be cutting ten of the women. It won’t be easy, Chris says. Aaron agrees. Of course it will be easy. I can think of ten women right now he has no interest in and I don’t even know him. Chris tells him to head inside the mansion and join the party.
Aaron heads in and Suzanne aka Stacy’s mom gives him a charming little wave. She’s so cute in that moment I am momentarily confused. Off-shore banking Frances, Miss Idaho Christi and some other girls whose names I can’t remember gather round. Frances puts on the charm and leads the conversation. She tells Aaron he has pretty eyes. Someone asks him what position he played in football back in college and he answers tight end. “Really?!” Christi says like it’s the most exciting thing, “That’s my favorite!” [Insert sexual joke here.]
Aaron moves on, sitting next to Merilee from Jersey, I don’t remember, I don’t remember and Kyla from Utah. “What’s the craziest thing y’all have ever done?” he asks them, but we don’t get to hear any of the answers. We hear Aaron ask “what do you think?” and then we cut to Cari 29, blonde, who says to the camera, “I was thinking ‘you’re big and you’re tall and you’re gorgeous.’” She throws her head back and gives this big fake laugh. These women aren’t actors (well, most of them) I know they’re doing their best in front of the cameras.
We cut to Heather from Texas and she says, “He’s big and he’s bold and he’s just got that mmph! look to ‘im.”
We cut to Merilee from Jersey who says, “He’s a clayssic gentleman and very charminggg.”
Kyla from Utah says, “I think Aaron is a total hottie.” I love Kyla. I couldn’t even tell you why. I just think she has a slightly space cadette charm and I don’t know what.
We see Aaron head over to a small group comprised of Kyla, brunette Dana and Texas Heather. “What’s the one thing you’d want me to know about you?” he asks. The producers must have given Aaron a list of questions he could ask the women through the night to keep the conversations flowing. “Well, I live in Utah so I ski a little,” Kyla chirps in her little ditzy way. Aaron calls her by the wrong name and Dana starts this long forced round of giggles. She’s trying to sound adorable, but she just sounds fake and idiotic. Calm the hell down, Dana.
Aaron makes his move and sits next to Helene from Philly. She looks really cute as she smiles and says, “I haven’t had a chance to talk to yew all night.” Some women sitting on a couch next to Helene and Aaron watch their exchange. Frances, who is among the couch crowd, squints her eyes as if she’s sizing up her competition. They’re all in gamer mode. Aaron is the platform on which they will beat the crap out of each other.
Aaron sits next to Texas Heather. She asks him about his hobbies or something and he tells her he’s a pilot. Heather’s like, “You are not a pahlaht! I’m a flaht attendent!” She volunteers to be his personal flaht attendent next time he flies.
The vibe I get from Aaron with Heather is… not really interested. She is very pretty, but she’s got a tough Texan undertone. She’s a bit too strong for him. I don’t think he’s the kind that wants to be challenged by the woman in his life. I don’t mean he wants a submissive person, but she needs to be as contained and passive aggressive as I think he probably is. I don’t consider myself any kind of a single-man expert, but he’s not exactly hard to figure out.
Next, Aaron chats with I-wanna-be-super-famous actress Camille. She’s performing performing performing. Because she’s so obviously putting on an act, it’s a little uncomfortable to watch. Aaron doesn’t seem all that comfortable with her either.
Aaron sits next to Alabama Brooke. She says she wants to skip the small talk and get straight to the point. Does Aaron believe in love at first sight? He says he believes in chemistry at first sight which is an important element for love. Cari 29, blonde, asks if he has seen that tonight? Aaron’s like, “Have I seen that?” which makes me chuckle a bit and he answers in the affirmative. “Okay,” says Brooke in a tone that I think is meant to convey nonchalance, but it looks like she’s gritting her teeth a little. Gamer mode tells her that means one of the women has the early advantage.
Aaron is chatting with Anindita and she goes into a long-winded story where ultimately, she compares Aaron to a bull being chased by a bunch of horny cows. She’s very cute and charming, which she knows, but there is an undertone to her vibe that is slightly mocking. Like her thought bubble is, “I am so out of your league.” Aaron’s thought bubble totally agrees.
We cut to some of the women—Miss Idaho Christi, Stacy’s mom Suzanne, NBA cheerleader Lori, Texas Heather, Lace dress Fatima, Out of your league Anindita—chatting outside in a seating area. “You were Miss Idaho?!” Suzanne says, “Congratulations!” She and Christi clink champagne glasses. Then Suzanne says, “But… there aren’t that many women in Idaho, are there?” Someone says “Mee-owww!” but I can’t tell by the voice who says it. Fatima, who has no poker face—what she’s thinking, she’s not hiding—looks at Suzanne like, “Bitch, what is your problem?!”
We cut to Christi chatting with Aaron one on one. She asks Aaron if he has any ideas about any of the girls? She needs to know so she can plot. Aaron just says that cutting ten girls is going to be tough. Christi gives her best sympathetic face and says, “I know” like it’s all pretty serious. After Aaron walks away, she looks at the camera and gives this dramatic sigh like she finds Aaron so dreamy. She then kind of gives the camera a stare down like she’s letting the crew know she’s prepared to cut some throats.
One of the women tells us the consensus is Gwen is the early favorite, because Aaron was so focused on her while chatting with a group of the women.
Aaron plays piano for everyone. He tells us he wants the women to know he’s a well-rounded person. I feel like he’s made sure he checks all the boxes. But being well-rounded is more than a resume when it comes to being an interesting person, you know what I mean?
Cari 29, blonde is standing next to Aaron at the piano. She has been putting in the work to get him to notice her. We’ll see if it pays off.
Chris arrives from somewhere and tells Aaron it is time to decide who he will cut. He is taken to “The Deliberation Room” where framed head shots of all the bachelorettes have been arranged on a display table of some kind. With the soft warm lighting, it looks like a memorial you’d see set up at a funeral, as if all the women were killed in a tragic plane crash.
In the main room, Chris tells the women what we all already know. Aaron will give a rose to the ones he wants to stay on the show and those that remain roseless must hit the road. He tells them they are free to decline the rose if they want to. As long as they inform the producers first as per their contracts.
Aaron comes out and stands at his little pedestal with the long stemmed roses. So corny. He goes into his little spiel about how great it was to meet everyone and how he appreciates the sacrifices they have made to be here. By sacrifices, he means the dieting they had to do pre-show so they wouldn’t appear puffy on camera. No Poker Face Fatima looks completely over the whole deal: Aaron, his little spiel, standing in high heels with this crowd of women who hope to be picked and filming for God knows how long.
In this sea of women, I can see they are all wearing a red or black dress. Obviously, that was the dress code. Except Miss Idaho Christi who is wearing a turquoise colored dress. The color suits her and really makes her pop. Well played Christi.
First rose is Angela. I don’t think I’ve mentioned her once in this entire recap. Aaron is about as interested in her as I am.
Helene is next and she accepts.
Shiny hair, shiny teeth Erin from Pennsylvania accepts her rose.
Brooke from Alabama accepts.
Anindita accepts. She gives Aaron a hug as if she really likes him, but I’m willing to put money down that she’s at best indifferent.
Heather from California is called and she looks very surprised. As am I. Who is she?
Dana of the forced fake giggles accepts her rose.
Hayley, a brunette with a relaxed easy smile, accepts her rose.
Miss Idaho Christi accepts her rose.
Aaron says Frances and she makes a little gasp of surprise. Before accepting the rose, she asks Aaron if he likes to dance and he says he does and so on. Frances keeps laughing and giggling and she is completely charming. She needs to give lessons to Dana on how to do the giggle thing properly.
islands.”
Suzanne is called. The camera pans to Texas Heather who is starting to look very tense.
Gwen is next and accepts.
Aaron makes several heavy sighs and then says he has to step outside for a moment. The women all make noises of surprise. Chris asks him if he’s okay and Aaron pretends he’s unsure about a couple and this is all filler so who cares?
Kyla from Utah accepts her rose.
And the final rose goes to… Heather from Texas. And thank God for that, because she looked like she was about to cry.
Some of the girls who weren’t picked look a little pissed off and you can’t really blame them. The hoops they all had to jump through to get on the show in the first place and they’re cut in the first round?
Actress Camille tells us that Aaron is trying to pick the girls that would be happy to move to Missouri and fit into his life. “That’s not me,” she says. No kidding.
We cut to Camille talking to Aaron. She has completely dropped the sexy cutey ingenue character. “Oh, man, I’m so happy to go home. You have no fucking clue,” she says to Aaron. To my surprise, Aaron breaks into a big smile and they hug. We see them chat a bit more and they are suspiciously relaxed with each other. I think Camille was a plant and she was really there as a hired actor, rather than a contestant who happened to be an actor.
We then cut to Camille who tells us ultimately she feels like she rejected Aaron, because she knows they would not be a good fit. But, this is just part of her performance so, whatever. She’s probably going to smoke a bowl in the limo on the way home.
Cari 29, blonde says she knows mid-western guys like the good-girl type so she wonders if maybe she didn’t come across as a good girl? You’re 29, Cari. You don’t need to worry about that shit anymore.
Miss Idaho Christi says she would not be surprised if she ends up with Aaron by the end of the show. By that she means she is willing to kill some of the competition if necessary.
We see some clips of future episodes and it looks like there will be a lot of wide open mouth deep kissing which, frankly, I’m not looking forward to.
The close out scene is Aaron talking about how fit Suzanne is. He says she’s in such good shape “it’s shocking.” Did she do some one-armed push ups in her cocktail dress or something?
See you next episode!
Recapulet 
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