Our computer programmed host, Chris Harrison, starts the show by giving us a mini recap of the last episode. I’m not recapping the recap. He tells us the remaining 15 women have moved into the Bachelorette mansion. We see fast clips of upcoming episodes, but I’m not recapping that either. This show is 80% filler. I’m not going to spoil the only parts of the season that will actually be entertaining.
Chris tells us for this episode the women will be going on some “fantasy dates” with Aaron. However, at the end of the episode, five more women will be cut. Who will he reject? Who might reject him?
The women are gathered together in a seating area as Chris explains to them what will be happening. There will be three group dates and two one on one dates. Aaron came up with the ideas for what they will do, Chris tells them, as if they should be impressed. He sends Brooke to the front entrance of the manse, because there is a surprise gift that’s been left there. It’s a gift box that contains info that reveals what the first group date will be. Thrilling, this.
The girls pretend to be excited and grab the gift box to open it. The card inside reads “Off to the races.” The ladies chosen for this date are Helene, Gwen, Dana, Heather #2 that’s not from Texas and Frances.
A massively long limo arrives bringing Aaron to the mansion. In voice over, Aaron tells us the group is going to Del Mar to attend the horse races. They will be traveling by train in their own private car. It is a very short train. The length of one car it looks like, which, visually, is unimpressive. The train is also loud and noisy as trains always are.
Inside the train car—which is plain looking, nothing special at all—the group drinks champagne and chats. Helene seems to be a real talker. She’s just yapping away. Aaron seems to be very charmed by her.
Gwen tells us she feels competitive with the other women and admits she wasn’t thrilled to see Aaron paying so much attention to Helene. That said, Gwen is far too self-contained to make any drama so, the producers are wasting their time trying to pit these two against each other.
Aaron pulls Helene away so they can stand outside on the back deck of the train. It’s noisy as fuck. There is nothing to see view wise, except industrial parks and such, as they whiz past. So, nothing is added to the ear-splitting noise that makes standing out there worth it
Aaron and Helene have to shout at each other to be heard, but Helene is still doing most of the talking. Aaron tells her he hopes they get a one on one date and Helene replies, “Yeah, that would be cool.” Philly accents can be harsh to the ear if you’re not used to them. There’s always these interjected nasal vowel sounds. Aaron tells Helene she seems cool and she replies, “Yayehhh, yew seem pretty kewl toouhh.” It’s like a nasal twang.
Once at the track, the gang heads into their private suite to watch the horse races. The women ooo and ahh at the very ordinary underwhelming suite. Then we see them jumping up and down and squealing as they watch a race. Aaron excuses himself to go make a phone call. It’s Angela’s birthday so he is calling the house to wish her a happy birthday.
We cut to the mansion and Christi is outside on the lawn talking to the camera. Sounding resentful, she says, “Suzanne bolted over. She had to be the one to pick up the phone.” Christi says Suzanne would have knocked people down to answer it. If you recall last episode, Suzanne insulted Christi when she jokingly implied Christi won her Miss Idaho title because the state has a shortage of women. Now that I have written that out I have to admit that was pretty funny. However, it’s obvious Christi did not find it funny at all and she’s been seething ever since.
The girls ooo and ahh and squeal about Aaron calling Angela to wish her a happy birthday as if it was the sweetest thing. Whatever. They’re just doing their jobs.
Back at the track, Aaron has each woman pick a horse to bet on. Whoever bets on the winning horse will get a hot air balloon ride with Aaron! Gwen’s horse wins!
Back at the house, the women receive the next date box. Suzanne reads the card revealing the group will be going to Napa Valley for a day of wine tasting. Christi looks like she’s going to lose her mind with excitement. She literally jumps up and down like a child. She leans back and shouts at the ceiling, “You don’t even understaaaaand! Napa Valley is my dream date!” Kyla looks at her like she’s lost her mind.
Christi is acting like a 12 year old dork. I think that’s because she is a 12 year old dork, behind her cheesy pageant queen polish. I’ll probably be circling back to this at some point. Right now, Christi is bouncing around like a kid jacked on too much sugar.
Suzanne agrees with Christi that going to Napa will be a dream date. We cut to Christi, arms crossed, who says with irritation, “Suzanne had to say she thought the date was perfect for her, too.” As if she’s addressing Suzanne, Christi huffs, “I really don’t think you mean that.” Why wouldn’t she mean that? Lots of people enjoy drinking wine and they’re in California with lots of vineyards.
We cut back to Aaron and the women who are on a beach. Aaron and Gwen are getting ready to go up in the hot air balloon while the rest of the women stand around awkwardly. They are shivering and holding themselves, because it is obviously really chilly and they are only wearing summer dresses. This show is all smoke and mirrors. How awkward filming must be for everybody.
We cut to Aaron and Gwen up in the balloon. Please visualize what it must have been like in the balloon’s relatively small basket area and these two crammed in there with a cameraman and the pilot. So romantic, lol. However, I love the chemistry between Aaron and Gwen. I’m falling for it. They’ve spun the romantic reality-TV fairytale and I’m getting hooked. I don’t even care. I like these two together.
Aaron and Gwen chat asking basic questions about each other. This environment lends itself much better for conversation than that loud ass train. Plus, the view is really beautiful. The camera crew got some amazing shots. Aaron and Gwen do some tasteful kissing bathed in the orangey glow of the setting sun. Aww.
Aaron tells Gwen she has a really pretty smile right as the balloon makes a very rocky landing so, he’s like, “along with your—argh! argh!—eyes.” Gwen just says, “Whoa!” because she and Aaron almost fell out of the basket. I am certain the producers had the balloon pilot do that on purpose. Despite the awkward landing, Aaron and Gwen had a great time and seem really into each other.
Back at the manse, we see Christi has gotten a major sunburn. She’s red as a lobster. Texas Heather sprayed all the girls with her special suntan concoction that has no SPF protection at all. We cut to a clip with Heather and Christi by the pool. Christi holds out her arms and says, “Make me tan!” “God knows…” Heather says as she sprays Christi all over, “…I need it!” Christi says, finishing her sentence. Christi is very fair skinned.
We cut to Heather who says she and Christi, with their pageant experience, are ready to go head to head. I guess getting Christi to fry herself to a crisp was step one of her grand plan to defeat her rival. It’s like, girl with skin that pale you cannot lay out in the sun like everybody else. I think she felt left out, because literally everyone had a deep summer tan and she looked extra pale by comparison. Christi hobbles upstairs looking miserable.
The next day—or a few days later given that Christy is no longer neon red—Aaron comes by to pick up the women for the Napa Valley date. Christi is right by the front door, like an eager puppy, and she gives Aaron a hug as he enters the house. The group will be Suzanne, Angela, Erin, Anindita and Christi. The gang will be flying to Napa by Learjet which is cool, I guess. I’ve never been on a Learjet so, I couldn’t say for sure.
We see the limo arrive at the vineyard, but they don’t give any info about which vineyard it is. Not that it matters, I was just curious.
We cut to the group standing around a tall table that’s set up kind of like a bar. It’s outside in a pergola type situation, though it’s high up with a balcony view that faces out towards greenery. You dont get a good look at much of the vineyard at all. I get the impression filming was pretty limited in what they were given permission to show.
The gang is drinking wine and eating cheese with bread and figs etc. Looks good. Suzanne raises her glass and gives a lovely toast about how she’s enjoyed getting to know everyone on the show. We hear Christi in voiceover say “her biggest fear” on this date is Suzanne. We cut to her talking to the camera somewhere at the venue—the background looks pretty—and she says Suzanne is “outgoing and fun to be around, but nonetheless, that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t think she’s right for Aaron.” She makes a “it is what it is” face and gives a big shrug.
Christi is very animated when she talks. So, whatever she says is typically accompanied by an array of facial expressions. I do the same when I talk and frankly, I wish I’d do it less, but it would take real effort. This trait is great for the people in the editing room at The Bachelor though, because so much of what Christi says gets magnified by her facial expressions. It makes her more fun to watch as it makes her seem more dramatic. Though I suspect Christi doesn’t need help in that area.
We cut back to the gang at the table. Christi is leaning into Aaron and continuously rubbing up and down the full length of his back when she’s not resting her hand just above his ass. I’m not anti-affection, but that seems a bit intimate at this stage.
Angela is saying something about how she doesn’t know much about wine so she finds making choices for parties a bit intimidating. She has a quiet voice that, in a group setting, is kind of easy to ignore which is what Aaron seems to be doing. He’s not listening to her at all. Judging by his facial expression, it’s because he’s a bit irritated. And I’m going to guess he’s irritated because Christi is continuously rubbing his back while leaning into him like a sheep herding dog. There is nothing reciprocal in his body language and Christi being so blind to his discomfort is pretty baffling to me.
We cut again to Christi who tells us “I didn’t think it was possible, but I really, really, really am falling for him.” Sounding like she’s on the edge of tears, she says she’s “terrified” of not receiving a rose at the next ceremony and finding out Aaron doesn’t feel the same as she does. We have been cutting back and forth between Christi talking to us and the scene at the table with her constantly touching Aaron. The camera person made sure we caught all the touching and rubbing, every anxious look from her even though she seems to ignore Aaron’s irritation.
The gang have all moved to leaning on the railing of the balcony. Aaron has turned away from Christi as he chats with Anindita. Christi is like a burr determined as she is to be touching Aaron at all times. She stands awkwardly next to him continuing to rest her hand on his lower back like it’s glued there. The way she’s positioned makes her look part bodyguard being protective and part prison guard who has to make sure Aaron doesn’t try to escape.
We cut back to Christi who tells us “I am so feeling Aaron. Like I… I did not expect this.” We cut back to the gang and Aaron is holding Christi’s hand as it rests on the railing. The other women have moved away and are chatting together in a small group, so it’s like Aaron and Christi are alone having a one on one. Aaron has interlaced his fingers with hers so he hasn’t completely shut her down, but his body is almost completely turned away from her at the same time. He looks at her and smiles, but his smile looks fake to me. Back to Christi who tells us when Aaron smiles at her, her heart jumps and she has to catch her breath every time.
Back to Christi and Aaron. She’s resting her head on his shoulder and he’s staring off into the distance completely disengaged. It hardly matters. Christi is having a wonderful relationship with her delusions. Christi tells him in a dreamy voice, “This is the perfect date. If I could write down everything I want in a date? This would be it.” Aaron clears his throat in response and it’s a very obvious tell that he’s uncomfortable. We do a quick cut to Angela who looks mildly disgusted saying it was odd the way Christi was hanging on Aaron and awkward the way they were snuggling together as if no one else was there.
Finally, Aaron manages to free himself from Christi’s clutches and they all gather around the table again. Suzanne excuses herself “to go um, wander” which just means the producers told her to get lost for bit. They know Christi will say something bitchy once she’s gone. And, as soon as Suzanne has left the table, Christi smirks and rolls her eyes heavenward. She is not subtle.
Anindita calls her out. She says that whenever Suzanne leaves the room Christi gets this catty look on her face—she imitates a cat hissing—and rolls her eyes. “ Nooo,” Christi says innocent as can be, “I wasn’t at all.” Anindita isn’t going to let Christi off the hook so she says she has noticed Christi do it four or five times, in fact. Christi makes a shocked face like she cannot believe what she is hearing. Laughing like it’s just the funniest thing, she looks at Angela like, “What on earth is Anindita talking about?”
Totally not coincidentally, Suzanne suddenly reappears after um, wandering around. I’m not sure how the director got Christi to detach herself from Aaron—maybe with a cattle prod—but Christi says, “You know what? I’m going to get some water” and she leaves.
Suzanne asks what everyone was talking about? Someone says “You.” Anindita asks if she and Christi are having a conflict of some kind? Given that Christi makes a face as soon as Suzanne’s back is turned. Suzanne says, “I’m going to develop a complex you guys!” but she’s kind of laughing. She’s not really upset. Smiling, Aaron says, “No, no, no” and pats her shoulders. I’m calling it. Suzanne is a paid actor just like Camille was. Her job is to create drama. It just so happens that Christi is a loon and easy to provoke.
Back at the house some of the girls are jumping on a trampoline. Shots of boobs in bikinis bouncing as the girls jump up and down.
The final date box has arrived. The group will be going to the lake. This is bound to be anti-climatic since this final group doesn’t have anyone as neurotic as Christi. Boring.
We are back at Napa. Everyone is seated at an indoor banquet table. Angela looks apprehensive; She’s afraid Christi might blow at any minute. Anindita looks bored as fuck and Erin looks tired and bored as fuck. Anindita tells us they’ve been drinking all kinds of wine. No kidding. The table is filled with empty wine glasses. Shooting always takes forever so they’ve been at the winery for God knows how many hours.
Anindita tells us they had a contest to see who could create the best combo using six different wines. While blindfolded, Aaron did a taste test to pick his favorite. We cut to Aaron who chooses the third wine. We then hear Christi say bitterly “Suzanne” because she made the wine Aaron picked. The girls cheer for Suzanne, except for Christi. Do you think maybe the other women are sick of dealing with her shit and are trying to get under her skin a little? Especially Anindita who cheers the loudest.
Suzanne tells us Aaron invited her to go out to the hallway with him—the hallway?! That’s so romantic!—where a surprise will be waiting. When they leave the room Christi looks at Angela and gives a self-pitying “what can I do?” shrug. Twice.
Aaron and Suzanne are doing some more wine tasting. What a great surprise this must be after 10 hours of doing the exact same thing. Aaron seems really relaxed with Suzanne (because she’s a plant!) They get all sexy and suggestive feeding each other wine with something called a wine thief. It looks like a big glass dropper, but it is used to take samples of wine straight from the cask. Wait, is this the second one on one date with Aaron? Gwen got to go on a hot air balloon ride and Suzanne gets to hang out in a hallway with some wine barrels? That’s not right. I’d ask for a refund.
We are back in the banquet room with Christi and the three other women. Suzanne and Aaron are still off together in a hallway. “She does not like him,” Christy says in a loud stage whisper pointing in the general direction Suzanne and Aaron took off to. “She’s not interested in him at all. She says whatever he wants to hear.” I think it’s interesting that Christy has picked this up given that I think Suzanne is a plant. So, basically, I agree with her.
Anindita gives Christi a little sarcastic smile. She is so out of patience for this girl. She tells Christi she should go bust up Aaron and Suzanne. Erin laughs and tells Christi to go for it. They all sound a tad tipsy and I’m sure they just wanted to go back to the house. Instead they were stuck with crazy Christi all fired up with the adrenaline of her psychosis. Erin, with more kindness than I would have for her at this point, says Christi should trust Aaron. He is “intuitive” and won’t be taken in by something that’s not real.
Back to Aaron and Suzanne who are still feeding each other wine from the glass tubes. It’s supposed to be all sexy and suggestive, in a tongue in cheek way, but it’s a turnoff. Aaron tells us Suzanne is a “smokin’ girl” with a hot body. They get along real well.
Back to the banquet table. Anindita says that with all of Christi’s eye rolls at Suzanne, she feels bad. Christi says, “Why do you have to say anything?” She literally just said why. Anindita is like, because I want to say something, bitch. I’m paraphrasing. She wasn’t as aggressive. With false bravado Christi says, “If I have to say something against someone? I’ll tell it to their face.” Oh, totally. Even though you’ve been doing the exact opposite. Anindita says she’s not trying to say Christi is a bitch or anything. “No, no, no, not at all. I think you’re totally classy.” Anindita is the absolute queen of the passive aggressive burn. She needs to give lessons to rudimentary Christi who only has eye rolls and gossiping. Increasingly agitated (and a bit drunk, I’m guessing) Christi storms off. Angela follows after her to comfort her.
Christi is tucked away in a tunnel somewhere. I can’t even tell where she is, but it’s where wine casks are stacked and stored. She cries to Angela, “I’m sensitive! What they say about me hurts! It hurts my feelings! It hurts my heart! I just want to go home!” she wails. She puts her head in her hands and cries harder. It’s just one person, Angela says. She tells Christi to take some deep breaths, but Christi’s just spinning out. She’s hiccuping, moaning in emotional pain, gasping for air, inhaling snot. You were having such a good time until now, Angela says. You were enjoying the day and feeling so good about Aaron.
Speaking of, we cut back to Aaron and Suzanne who are still in that hallway next to the wine barrels. They are making out. Gaping open mouth kisses that are too ridiculous to be remotely sexy. The editors turned the volume up on the recordings so we hear every squishy sound and even clicking like teeth hitting teeth. They giggle like they have an inside joke, because I think they do. We cut to Suzanne who tells us she’s starting to have feelings for Aaron and that scares her. She doesn’t know what the next steps are. She does sell it well, but come on.
We cut back to the banquet room. Aaron and Suzanne have returned. Christi is back at the table, too and she is still very distraught. Crying, she rants at Anindita, “You’re sitting across from me and you’re saying things that are not true!” Except they are true. Anindita hasn’t said a single thing that isn’t true. She hasn’t even exaggerated. Aaron tells us he thinks Anindita is being cruel and demeaning. We cut back to the drama. Anindita says, “We all know I’m a bitch and mean.” Sounding exasperated, Aaron says, “Nobody called you a bitch.” Except you pretty much did, Aaron, behind her back.
Christi is still crying, shaking her head, looking heavenward and gasping. Man, this girl is next level. Just relentless emotional guilt-tripping till you give in. Nevermind Anindita merely pointed out what Christi had wanted people to notice anyway. You don’t roll your eyes and mug like she did unless you want a reaction. Christi just didn’t get the reaction she expected.
Their visit to the vineyard was an all day affair and we’ve gotten barely ten minutes of footage. God knows what else has happened that we haven’t seen. But I suspect that while Christi was probably embarrassed that Anindita criticized her in front of Aaron (and this outburst isn’t helping) I think more has gone on we just didn’t see. Christi is just choosing to direct her hurt feelings at this one thing with Anindita.
“Christi was still very upset,” Aaron tells us. No kidding. Aaron tells us she asked him if they could go outside and talk. “I was hoping I could console her a little bit.” I’m sure Christi would love that, truly.
Aaron and Christi head out to the back of the venue where the employees park and there’s a nice view of the dumpster. “What’s going on in that little head of yours?” Aaron asks. That is so patronizing. Ugh. What’s almost worse though, is Aaron says it in a tone that is so uninterested, so perfunctory. He was gone for just a few minutes, Aaron tells her, and he comes back to her crying. Christi is, in fact, still crying. “I was having such a good time,” she wails. Aaaand, Aaron clears his throat. I’d love to play Aaron in a game of poker. He’s so transparent.
“I just don’t want to be that girl,” Christi says, putting on her sunglasses. “I’m not that girl,” she says with a laugh, sounding sheepish. She then grabs Aaron into a hug even though there was nothing in his attitude or body language that indicated he was interested in physical contact. It’s okay though, Christi does not let reality get in the way of her romance.
Aaron pats her on the back with a bit of a grimace. “We hugged for quite awhile,” Aaron tells us. “Christi kept holding on, holding on, holding on…” Christi is clutching Aaron like a drowning woman. Aaron holds her while trying not to hold her at the same time. His body is stiff and resistant. “I think you’re incredible,” Christi whispers into his ear dramatically, “and I don’t feel that way very often.” Christi is gazing up at him adoringly and Aaron replies, “Well, thanks.” The angels sing. Love has bloomed.
Aaron kisses Christi quite chastely. His lips are firmly sealed shut so, it’s peck, peck, peck like a bird. Aaron tells us he kissed her to make her feel better and ease the tension for everyone. A necessary sacrifice. A Call of Duty kiss. I spoiled myself and watched the next episode. I saw a fast clip during the recap that showed Aaron giving Christi a deep kiss that we don’t see here. Why on earth he did that when he dislikes her so much is beyond me. If I were him I’d rather deal with a crying Christi than stick my tongue in her mouth after being so turned off.
We cut to Christi, still crying, though this was filmed a different day. You can tell by her outfit and hairstyle. “Yeah, I love Aaron. I love when he was holding me, how I couldn’t catch my breath.” That could be just the hyperventilating from all your wailing, Christi. “I don’t know. I’m reeling.” That’s for damn sure. Her tears are joyful tears from the bliss of a relationship that exists solely in her head. Then her face falls again and voice cracking she says, “…and I’m scared.”
We cut back to Aaron and Christi at the vineyard. She has her arms wrapped around his neck and she’s hanging on for dear life. “Thank you,” she whispers to him. Aaron’s body language is like a teenage boy whose mom is hugging him before he heads off to college. He’s doing his best to tolerate her, but he just wants her to let go so he can leave.
Part 2: Date #3 and the rose ceremony.
Recapulet 
Leave a comment